Time flies when you're....

....in medical school and raising a toddler.
....chasing said wild toddler around the house.
....trying to figure out what to be "when you grow up" because school won't last forever (I hope).
And of course,
....having fun!


Time really does fly these days. I swear, I took Step 1 last week and we just moved into this new house - only that was almost 10 months ago. Wow. Someone has been slacking on the blog postings lately....oops! I guess a quick bring up to speed is necessary, so prepare yourself for the novel that comes.

Obviously, I took Step 1 and PASSED! It was a torturous day that I try to repress as far back into my memory as possible. I took it; I passed it, and I will never, ever have to take it again. Praise the good Lord! We packed up all our belongings a few days later and headed north. Although we both hate the long commute and the fact that PG's room does not have a door, we have adapted and love the space.

 P was so excited about moving closer to ole Grammy and Papa that she was more than happy to help unpack her stuff.

                              And arrange it and rearrange it until her room was juuuuuust right.

Needless to say, the last few months have been an adventure, an absolutely mentally and physically exhausting blast. There's really too much to put it all down in words. So, of course a few pictures to share the big moments.

There were a lot of boxes and new places to hide. Too bad PG is still finding places to hide so she can jump out yelling, "Boo, Mommy!" She is 85% her father.

We had a few holidays to celebrate - like Memorial Day and 4th of July. There was also Halloween, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas. (Bad Mommy hasn't uploaded those photos yet...oops?)

 PG discovered her love for sunglasses of all shapes, sizes and colors. She also likes to tell you which pair to where - even if you are driving and it's dark outside.

 There was a trip to D.C. for school. There was lots of walking, wet french braided hair, hotel slumber parties, tons of great food...and some lessons learned...the hard way.

 There was also that time my mom thought it was a good idea to dress PG up in one of my old dresses. You know, the one that I wore before I saw the light. She didn't seem to be all that amused.

However, much happier PG in those beautiful orange and blues. That's my girl! 

 We are teaching her how to shop right. Sunglasses on, sparkly kitty shirt and a purse full of necklaces, random phones, some keys and a few more pairs of sunglasses just in case.

 She loves, loves, LOVES the park. Especially the swings. Nanny Stephanie introduced her to swings when she was just a wee little one, and she still loves them. Like cries when you make her get out of it love.

Other noteworthy things in the life of PG:
She is quickly becoming a Disney Movie junkie - Cars and Finding Nemo are the current favorites.
She loves her school. And they teach her a lot of things. Like colors (even though everything is blue) and numbers (although she always starts counting at 2). And words. Her new favorite word/phrase, you might ask? Help me. Yep, help me. It's hilarious...until she screams it throughout the grocery store because she wants everything opened. Not so cute anymore, kiddo.

On the school front, I still have no idea what I want to be. I know that I do not want to be an OBGYN and I do not want to do only adult medicine. I do know that I love little kids! To be the one who always said she would have a farm full of rescued greyhounds and never wanted children, you can't pull me away from the little sticky boogers. My new found love for munchkins all started with my little pile of sticky kisses. They are so innocent and so loving. They are resilient and I love watching a (semi) sick kid be instantly better in less than 24 hours. It's truly amazing. I'm a huge proponent for patient education, and I love the opportunities that Pediatrics provides - you can educate parents, grandparents, and other care givers. But you also get to educate the kids. I think the hope of our nation lies in our youth. The hope for a healthier nation as well as a strong, hardworking nation that is full of people who are compassionate and caring. If we teach our children that dreams can come true with a little hard work. If we teach them that hard work never killed anyone and that the world doesn't owe them anything. If we teach them how to eat right, how to exercise and how to live life and love God, our world would be a much better place.

*Step off soap box that I didn't know I climbed on...*

School starts back tomorrow for me. And I have a lot of big decisions coming up. I'm supposed to "know" what specialty I belong in already, but I don't. I can see me fitting in many places, but I've got to start committing to a path. Hopefully, after the 8 weeks of Family Medicine that I am about to do, I will know how much I love, or don't love, managing adult chronic medical problems. A wise physician told me, "If you have to decide how much you like something, you probably don't really like it." And, I think he was right. However, I am going to give it a chance. I love people. I love all people so it is making this decision so much harder. It also doesn't help that I have about 4 brain cells that are telling me surgery. I LOVED surgery. It was amazing. I was dreading it for months, and it is honestly one of the only rotations I have missed. I fell head over heels for surgery and pediatric surgery was the time of my life. I love knowing that I fixed a problem. I like seeing results. And pediatric surgery, oh my! Talk about changing someones life. We operated on 2 day old babies who otherwise would not have survived. And now they will have a normal life and no one will know that they were ever sick. Giving parents a healthy baby that now has a chance is humbling. As you can see, I am very, very confused. Prayers appreciated. ;)


PG's birthday is coming up! Party plans are in the making...stay tuned for more updates months too late from this Bad Mommy!

Tomorrow is THE day....

Tomorrow is the day that I have been dreading for the past two years. Tomorrow I will take the most important (and might I add longest) test so far in my educational career. Tomorrow is Step 1. Yikes!


I truly never thought this day would ever come. I've been saying that I'm going to be a doctor since I can remember. I worked to make it through undergrad and I struggled with the MCAT. I thought the MCAT was the death of my medical school dreams, but here I am - a second year medical student a day before Step 1 (and I am writing/typing this blog post...but that's a whole different issue).


I am a second year medical student, and I can't honestly tell you why I want to be a doctor. If I told you I wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to help people, I wouldn't be lying. I do want to help people. But helping people isn't the whole reason I want to be a doctor. Some days, I'm not sure that I want to be a doctor. But even though these past two years have been taxing - emotionally and physically - and some days I feel like giving up, I've have continued to press on. And now that I can start to see a light at the end of the tunnel, I hope and pray that it isn't a train...


Back to tomorrow - Tomorrow I will take my first of three board exams. Needless to say, I am a huge ball of nerves. I am, by nature and genetics, a big ball of anxiety on a normal day, so you can only imagine what I have been like the last several weeks. Probably not as pleasant as I like to think I was, but thankfully, none of my family or friends have disowned me yet. Instead, they have encouraged me, laughed at me, supported me, and most importantly loved me. (And possibly told me to quit being dramatic a few times too...) This is my shameless plea for any extra prayers and positive thoughts you might have to spare tomorrow. I know that I could use a few, and I'm sure that the rest of my class that will be taking the test this week or next wouldn't oppose a few either. :)


It's going to be a long day. 8 hour test - who thought that was a good idea? I can't sit still for 50 minute lectures. The good Lord only knows where my mind will be by 5PM tomorrow. And commuting in traffic both ways to get to said torturous test. Fun times. One more day....

P's pretty pumped it's only one more day too. :)

Helpless but not Hopeless

"The sense of not having control is the greatest human fear. If you don't know what the very next thing to do is, it freaks you out. The hardest thing is to get past the stage where you don't do anything.” - David Allen

This pretty much sums up how things have been going the last few weeks. After the Christmas holiday came and went and school started back, it was so hard to get back on track. And just as things were finally, FINALLY beginning to be almost normal, BAM! Sickness slammed the entire household. And that is where the story of helplessness begins...

P's big first birthday was a couple weeks ago and her party was last weekend. But of course just a day before her birthday she comes down with a nasty cough and a fever. Poor baby had some kind of viral nastiness and an ear infection. I don't know how many of you have ever had or been around a sick baby before, but it's pitiful. If it could run, it did. She couldn't get comfortable in her bed, in her swing, in the big bed or on the couch. Shawn and I took turns staying up with her because shockingly, I had a test the week of this mad chaos and still birthday party details to iron out. I have never in my life felt so exhausted, so defeated and so helpless. There was absolutely nothing that we could do that would make her feel better. I have never in my life watched that many episodes of Blue's Clues in a row. I'm fairly certain that I can recite verbatim at least 9 episodes. But with the help of Blue, pedialyte, yogurt, a few good friends and the grace of God, we all survived the first 'real' illness of P's life. And, to make things even better, you could hardly tell that she wasn't feeling so hot at her party.

Without a wonderful, used-to-be-blonde-headed friend of mine, P's parties would not have worked out so smoothly and there would not have been cake.  P and I owe you big, Miss Bitney!
Here's some pictures from the big ole Blue's Clues Birthday Bash(es):

 A "Ba" cake for party #1. Such a hit! Can you believe two medical students made this gem? We are good at doing things other than shoving our noses in books. P.S. marshmallow fondant is the way to go. Tasty and effective. Just make sure you grease the bowl BEFORE melting the marshmallows. Just trust me on that one.

                                   You can't have a Blue's Clues party without the clues. Duh.

P even thought that "Ba" tasted good. She wasn't a messy cake eater like I expected. She took dainty little bites...until the ice cream came out. Then it got sticky. Daddy also helped make a mess. See next photo...

The downside to using marshmallow fondant to decorate - the spots came off of Blue and somehow magically ended up on P's forehead.

Brit and I attempted to use extra cake pieces and cake icing for play cake #2. Didn't quite work out as originally planned in our pretty little heads, but P seemed to enjoy the icing. She may have also looked like she ate a Smurf for a couple days too....oops?

My mom convinced one of the cute little children's boutique places to make a Blue shirt for the party. Too cute! And if you ever need anything monogrammed, need a super cute diaper bag, etc. check out Cool Beans in Hartselle, Al. Wonderful, wonderful people who did an amazing job on this shirt!

All-in-all, the birthday bash(es) were such a success! We had a great time and ate some pretty tasty cake and ice cream. Happy ending to a rough week with a sick little girl.


So this post is a random thought, picture kinda thing, but there is a moral to the story. Even though the past few weeks I have felt completely helpless with a sick baby, and trying to gracefully tackle a billion different projects at the same time in my well-meaning attempt to be super-mom, I know that I am not hopeless though I might feel helpless. I am actually quite hopeful. I know that my Hope is not in solving every problem that comes my way. My Hope is not to gain recognition for my efforts. My Hope is in the future. My Hope is knowing that this is not my permanent home. This is a temporary place where I am attempting to make my mark and raise my child to know that her Hope is not in this world but is in something so much bigger. These last few weeks have been hard, but they have been rewarding. And, as I begin my preparation for my first board exam starting tomorrow, I know my days are going to get harder. My mornings are going to get earlier and my nights a little later. But I also know that while I may often feel helpless, I am not hopeless. I have hope. And when I start to feel hopeless, I know exactly where to turn -

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." Psalm 34:17-20

And..

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

For these reasons alone, I have made it this far without either 1) failing to take care of my child or
2) flunking out of medical school. To the outsider, there is no logical reason why I haven't fallen on my face yet. However, I'll tell you, I fall on my face daily, but because my hope lies in Him, I can get back up again....and again....and again...

Add that to the list of 'Bad Mommy' things...

"Add that to the list of 'Bad Mommy' things" seems to be coming out of my mouth a lot recently. Need some examples of what makes a 'Bad Mommy'? I've got plenty to share...

1. Adding PG's coming home outfit to the bag of clothes to be given to a friend of the family's new grandbaby - check. Done that. But at least I still have the precious little turtle jacket that was the show stealer for the outfit. And the socks, too...I think.

2. This is the year of firsts for PG. First bath, first shopping trips, first tastes of real food, and of course first holidays. I've always wanted to be one of those moms that document everything with pictures. However, because of my 'Bad Mommy' tendencies, this hardly ever happens.

For PG's first Halloween, I was on top of getting plenty of pictures. My mom had planned the photo shoots. We got pictures in her costume(s) and in cute little Halloween outfits. All. Over. It.

I even Picnik-ed the picture! I was determined to not be the 'Bad Mommy' this time. Little did I know, medical school definitely had other plans. Naturally, the week of Halloween not only would I have to practice the neurology part of the physical exam (which I hadn't learned yet) on a standardized patient that ultimately helps decide whether I am suited to move on to wards in May, but I also had a test just a few days after Halloween. So missing the 'first' Halloween - check. Done that.

3. Sadly, 'Bad Mommy' did not limit herself to Halloween. Next holiday....Thanksgiving. I was determined not to be a 'Bad Mommy' even more than before, especially after the Halloween tragedy. No studying for this mommy during the week of Thanksgiving. I'll catch up later. Thanksgiving Day rolled around, my pumpkin cake looks like perfection. My hair is actually fixed for the first time since...well, a longer amount of time than I'm willing to admit. PG is dressed in her Thanksgiving outfit. We're packed, in the car and going to my grandparents' house earlier than expected. Sounds great, right? But then we arrived at my grandparents' house...

PG's teething. For those without much experience with small children, you might be thinking, "so what does that matter?" I, too, used to think teething was no big deal - just a little cranky child. However, apparently the incoming teeth are somehow directly connected to the GI tract. Who knew? PG's Thanksgiving 'present' for us - a diaper explosion which required a bath and a change of clothes. My family got a nice laugh. My grandmother got a lemony fresh, cleaned bath tube. PG got poop in her eyebrow. And, I got another thing to add to my list of 'Bad Mommy' things - no pictures in the 'first Thanksgiving outfit - check. Done that, too.

My mom did get this picture, and PG got to eat food from the table. Some may think that feeding her from our adult Thanksgiving feast also deserves to be added to the list of 'Bad Mommy' things, but she loved it. So much so that she looks at us like we're crazy every time we try to feed her baby food.

4. Not feeding your child all the things the pediatrician says to feed them at a certain age - check. Done that. When we took PG to her 9 month appointment, I foolishly asked the doctor about feeding her meat - a question I thought was pretty innocent. However, the looks of disapproval and proceeding explanation that we were supposed to have been feeding her meat for the last 3 months busted our parenting bubble. Oops.
Although, in my defense, I looked for the 6 month appointment meal plan sheet thingy and no mention of meat or egg yolk. (Who gives their child egg yolk anyways?!) So we decided to give it a try. We learned quickly that meat and egg yolk make her gag. Literally. I've never seen her hold food in her mouth until it makes her gag. I've never seen her karate chop an incoming spoon of food so quickly that is covers everyone and everything within in 6 foot radius. She's talented. And, apparently a vegetarian.

5. Sippy cups - check. Give my child one everyday. Apparently sippy cups are the devil and the root of all behavioral issues in most children. 'Bad Mommies' use sippy cups. So I guess good mommies who allow their children to use a normal cup have much more time on their hands than I do. More power to them.

6. Not putting hair bows on my child - check. Do that often. If I had a dollar for every time PG gets 'mistaken' for a boy child, I'd have quite the sum of money to put in her savings account. Just because there is not some ridiculously over-sized bow on my child's head, who happens to be dressed in girly looking clothes and sitting in her pink stroller with her purple paci and her purple butterfly blanket, does not mean that she is any less of a girl. I think these encounters are often a test of my patience - just to make sure I'm ready to be tested hourly when PG starts walking and talking. In my mind I have already crow-hopped across the floor and knocked the front teeth out of the individual who just insulted us; however, out loud I politely smile and make sure I include the word SHE into my next statement to said individual.

She's pretty cute in a bow. But part of this 'Bad Mommy' thinks she looks a little ridiculous, too.


I'm sure there are plenty of other 'Bad Mommy' moments that I've already done, and more than that are waiting to happen. However, these are the first 6 that are applicable to my every day life. Even though, this year is the year of firsts for PG, she's not going to remember them. The real firsts will come for her in the coming years, and those are the moments that I cannot wait for. Currently, I am hoping that she will not start walking while she stays with my mom. And I beg my mom daily to push her down if she tries to walk (even though I know she won't do it). I was there when she rolled over for the first time and crawled for the first time, and I don't want to miss her first steps. But, I will sacrifice missing her 'first' Halloween this year to better our lives so that I won't have to miss her first day of school or her first t-ball game because I have to work. 

Happy 9-month Birthday to My Little Ball of Id!

Today my little ball of Id is 9 months old! How fast time flies! It seems like not long ago we were bringing her home from the hospital and getting peppered daily with questions about when I was returning to school.

Since November is the month of Thanksgiving (even though I am a firm believer that Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day are "holidays" that should be celebrated every day), this blog post is devoted to 30 things (even though there are so many more) that make me thankful.

In no particular order, here they go....
1. I am thankful for a God that is bigger than any struggle I may face, wiser than I could ever dream of being and loves me enough to let me pretend like I know what I'm doing even though I really have no clue. What an even bigger mess I'd make of my life without Him with me.

2. I am thankful for my family. They love and support more than I ever could have imagined. My family members are my biggest fans. Without them, I could never have made citizenship in medical school world and mommy-world a reality for my life.

3. I am thankful for true friends. Some I have known my entire life, others only a year but without a few good friends by my side, I wouldn't survive.

4. I am thankful for my RMP family. Who knew that 8 people who didn't really know each other could become such a tight knit group. They have listened to my rants about GI module directors, administration "issues" and my thoughts on medical school in general. They visited me in the hospital and at home when PG first arrived. They arranged delivered meals for a few weeks when I was adjusting to having a new baby. They've been my babysitters, my shoulders to cry on and some days my only reason to keep going. I love and appreciate you guys way more than you know. (Please don't shoot me for the picture. It was the only one I could find that had all 8 of us.)

5. I am thankful for the rowdy neighbors that I lived next door to in Auburn. If it hadn't been for RockBand parties at 3AM and a dog who wouldn't listen to simple commands, I never would have met Shawn...and Miller too!

6. I am thankful for PG. She is my world, my motivation and sometimes my frustration. Even though we learned that babies are balls of Id that think only of themselves (thus the title of this post..), my little ball of Id is worth every minute that I don't spend studying.

7. I am thankful that the Neuro module is over! You will not be missed. That was the longest 10 weeks of my life.

8. I am thankful for a warm apartment to come home to everyday. Even though I complain about something pertaining to this apartment at least once a day, I know that I am very blessed to have a warm dry place to raise my child. There are many people who are not as fortunate as I am.

9. I am thankful for a car that has four wheels and gets me where I need to go. Is it my dream car? Absolutely not. But it is reliable and it rolls. Good enough.

10. I am thankful for Shawn. He is my other half...notice I didn't say better, just other. :) He works hard for his family and makes sure we do not go without. He keeps me on my toes, and he's promised to build me a shoe closet one day. What more can a girl want?

11. I am thankful for coffee on cold mornings.And peppermint mocha coffee creamer. Yum.

12. I am thankful for the opportunity to continue my education. Even though I may at times seem ungrateful, I know that I have an opportunity that some kids only dream of. I am blessed beyond measure.

13. I am thankful for inheriting my dad's sense of humor. I am my father's child. Lord help us all if PG turns out to be my mini me.

14. I am thankful for family traditions. Before PG, I took many things for granted. She has opened my eyes to a whole new world.

15. I am thankful for pleasant memories of my grandmother and other friends and family that I carry in my heart.

16. I am thankful for our past and present veterans. I cannot image the sacrifices that they and their families make in order for me to sleep peacefully at night.

17. I am thankful for the opportunity to take part in the Pathway program this summer. Not only did I get paid to do something that I am passionate about, but I also met my baby sitter through my preceptor. I don't know what we'd do without her. She's a God-send.

18. I am thankful for people who love my child like she was their own.

19. I am thankful for lazy Saturdays with all three of my loves.

20. I am thankful for school weeks that are not mentally taxing. They are few and far between. I love seeing them come but hate seeing them leave.

21. I am thankful for hardships. My hardships have made me a better person and have taught this stubborn girl more lessons than I would have learned otherwise.

22. I am thankful for not ever having to take Fund I or II ever again. Ever.

23. I am thankful for the end of ICM that is getting closer by the day.

24. I am thankful for each and every person who lines up to baby sit for my child when she stays with my mom during test week. She must be something special if you have to turn people away because you promised 3 weeks ago that next time someone else could baby sit.

25. I am thankful for the up coming move back towards home. I'm ready to be closer to my friends and family and as far away from Hwy 280 as I can get.

26. I am thankful for Peyton's two little teeth. Not only does that mean buying disgusting baby food will soon be a thing of the past, but it also means that her gummy smile will soon have some teeth so it'll be much less creepy.

27. I am thankful for Miller. Even though he has developed trichotillomania since PG was born and he is the pickiest dog I've ever met, I love being greeted by that wagging little nub of a tail everyday.

28. I am thankful for books to read that have nothing to do with medical school. The next few days of reading The Help are going to be some of the most relaxing days of my life.

29. I am thankful for family vacations. The beach was so much fun even with an 8 month old. I can't wait to take future family vacations.

30. One of the things I am most thankful for is the opportunity to be a mom. This child is not only the cutest thing I have ever seen, but she's also the coolest kid on the face of the planet.

This may not have been very thought provoking, but maybe it produced a few laughs. I'm sure the upcoming holidays will bring lots of fun stories, so stay tuned...

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon

'Life' is definitely what happened to me while I was getting ready to move away from Auburn - my home for 4 wonderful years. 'Life' is what happened when I was coping with losing my sweet, sweet grandmother and a great friend only months apart. 'Life' is what happened when I was mentally preparing myself to start medical school - something I wasn't sure I wanted to do anymore. 'Life' brought the sweetest little munchkin who stole my heart, rescued my soul and is teaching me lessons about 'Life' each and everyday.

If you asked me two years ago what I would be doing in November 2011, I doubt changing diapers, searching for lost pacifiers at 3AM or wading through a sea of toys to get to my books would have made the top 100 list. The girl I used to be would not recognize the person I've become. Trying to juggle medical school and motherhood was never the way I had planned things, but there's a reason why I am not in charge of my own destiny. If and when I ever figure it out, I'll let you know. Until then, I like to think that my life provides a little entertainment for those witnessing my struggles to find my maternal instinct between the pages of my medical school textbooks.

For the sake of time and tears of boredom, I'll just share a few things that I have learned over the past 8 months... (Yikes! PG is 8 already months old)

Babies love stories from Robbins Pathologic Basis of Disease (as proven by above photo). Bedtime stories from Grant's dissector....not my greatest idea as a new mommy.
 

 

Sometimes, when school gets me down I pull out this photo and laugh...out loud, real hard. And if I've hard an exceptionally hard day and one photo doesn't do it for me, I move on to the next photo...
                 

You can't not laugh at this one. Really? This is my child. She's nuts...just like her momma. Studying with this goof ball around is pretty difficult some days but I really don't remember what my life was like before Miss Priss. There's no feeling greater than coming home to that sweet giggle and gummy little smile, especially after a long day.

While never in my wildest dreams did I image trying to navigate myself through medical school while trying to raise a child with as little emotional scarring as possible. But, like I said before, there's a reason I'm not in charge. There's a reason why I am now a brand new mommy when children were never in my plan. I wanted to rescue a house worth of dogs. Little did I know, PG would come along and rescue me.

I'm no different than the next person. I'm just doing all I know to do - never give up. I wanted to go to medical school, and I was determined from day one not to let my baby bump [in the road] be the reason I didn't make it. I have a new motivation for finishing school and a new outlook on life. Not to mention unlimited access to unpredictable entertainment. While my nights are sometimes long and my mornings are too often too early, somehow all of these struggles, all of the tears and pints of ice cream (and extra pounds I just can't shed!) will not be in vain. My experiences now will make me a better doctor in the future. My predicaments have a purpose, if only to teach me a lesson that I seem to never learn - I am NOT in control.

Stayed tuned for more stories of the saga that has become my life...